The Devilish, Dickish, Douchey Debate (Part III)

It is time for some satire! Before you read this post, think carefully about what has happened in the election during the past few weeks. When the media, pundits, candidates or anyone says they are objective, are we supposed to automatically believe them? Are we supposed to discredit anything which is not “mainstream” (candidates, pundits, media) without thinking? How long before the mainstream and alternative (for a lack of better word) media and their supporters start listening to each other?

Last time on Election 2016: Ignorantia- We saw Governor Benjamin Flipgoddamnflop engage Senator John Notadouche in a tense debate for the Ignorantian Presidency. Moderator Terry Nonobjective was clearly biased towards the Governor, so popular pundit Barry Blowhard emerged on the stage to help the Senator.

The network executives, eager to make some mad cash money off the Ignorantian public, changed the format of the debate to Notadouche and Blowhard vs. Nonobjective and Flipgoddamnflop: The Double Header.

“I would like to point out before anything else that putting Mr. Nonobjective on my opponent’s team clearly signals the media’s bias.” Senator Notadouche exclaims. “If Barry had not intervened, this would have been a biased media circus like it usually is.”

“I don’t compromise! Never have, never will!” screams Mr. Blowhard, angrily pointing to his ‘Compromise is for losers’ t-shirt. “Senator Notadouche has all right ideas! Period. End of story!”

“Don’t let this bluster distract you from the Senator’s horrible record,” the Governor drawls, both amused and irritated by Mr. Blowhard. “He is a douche, contrary to what his last name says.”

“Mr. Blowhard constantly peddles fiction on his ridiculous propaganda network. Mr. Nonobjective smugly asserts. “He fails to realize my network’s opinion is biased toward the truth.”

“Governor Flippgoddamnflop has changed his mind so many times….

….his picture is next to the definition of flip-flopper!” Senator Notadouche and Mr. Blowhard say, teaming up on their rivals and not directly addressing the previous point.

“Once a douche, always a douche! Call up Riley Ownyerass….

….because he owns your ass!” Governor Flipgoddamnflop and Mr. Nonobjective retort, as the debate turns into a bitchfest with an abundance of theatrics and policy positions delivered via catchy insult.

After several similar exchanges, Mr. Blowhard and Mr. Nonobjective exchange barbs in a battle of the surrogates. The presidential nominees watch contentedly, eager to stop this campaigning shit for awhile.

Meanwhile, the network executives eagerly rub their hands, partying and gleefully counting views while the debate occurs.

Will corporate Ignorantia or the Ignorantian citizen win? Stay tuned!

Originally published at theprimacyofpolitics.blogspot.com on October 16, 2016.